Breaking the habit....

Not being well versed in communicating my feelings, I tend to be a stress eater, or a pissed off eater, or a I'm-having-a-bad-day-so-I-deserve-chocolate eater, any way you cut it, I eat. Yesterday was a prime example. Since we have found the equipment at our gym so much more effective than the elliptical (or as it should be called, the clothes drying rack, since that's what we've been using it for) we have in our basement, we were looking to get rid of it to free up a little space. My Mother-in-law said she'd take it so I tore it apart to be ready for delivery. We loaded it up, drove it over there and then proceeded to try and put the damn thing back together. About 10 minutes into trying to re-assemble it, I was sweating like I had just gotten off it after working out. What was I doing you as? Merely just bending over and screwing some screws in. So right off the bat that frustrated the shit out of me, there is no need to be so out of shape that you sweat like a whore in church, but I was. THEN the damn thing wasn't going together as seamlessly as it came apart. In the process of assembly, I smashed my thumb and slammed my shin so hard I thought I might need to lie down and check my shorts cause I thought I might have shit my pants it hurt so bad. Needless to say, I was on DEFCON 4 and about to have an aneurysm. We finally get the fucking thing together and I walk out to the kitchen to wash up a bit and there, in all it's glory, is a package of 0re0 Dbl Stuff cookies. Immediately, the guttural, primal response kicked in and I tore into the package and started to double fist the chocolate goodness. It was glorious, I think I had 0re0 crumbs in my eyebrows. I was like a great white shark coming up on a floating sperm whale carcass made out of chocolate and cream filling. Bite. Swallow. I might have even done an alligator death roll on a couple of the poor bastards. I was pissed and I needed satisfaction. Then I snapped out of it. Hands still in the sink under the water that was running. The 0re0 package sitting on the counter untouched. The old Fatty Boom Batty would have eaten to make myself feel better. But not now, the calories aren't worth it. Maybe something is starting to stick. I'll take this win.

65 days left

Thanks and such...

Random thoughts on this Thanksgiving...

I have been blessed by many family and friends, although I need to be better at staying in touch with all those people in my life that have helped out along the way.

If you are reading these ramblings and keep coming back, thank you and tell a friend.

I'm thankful that there are only 45 calories in a serving of turkey.

Do I need to count the calories from communion at church this morning?

I'm thankful for the elliptical at the gym, I've finally found something that I look forward to getting on at the gym.

I'm thankful for the CONSTANT testing (even on Thanksgiving) that I face personally by way of personal interactions, food set in front of me and the ability to see it for what it's worth and having the patience to get through it.

I'm thankful that there is a goal that being worked for in this process. But I also know that this journey will NOT stop in 69 days when we leave for Hawaii. This is a road that will be my road for a long time.

I'm thankful for the 2lb a week average I'm on and realizing that this is the ONLY way to achieve this, there are no short cuts or quick fixes.

I'm thankful for having enough family on both sides to be able to eat twice today.

I'm thankful that weigh-in was yesterday and I've got all week to rectify the damage I'm about to do.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with warm food, warm friends, warm laughter and elastic in your waistband. There are things everywhere that are blessings, you just got to see them. Now get off the computer and go spend time with family/friends!

69 days left

I know, I know...

I know what I know, but sometimes I don't want to know it. Let me explain. Today is weigh-in day. We are officially 10 weeks from Hawaii. This morning I was down 2 lbs. 5 weeks in and down 10 lbs. I know I am right on track; 2 lb per week average. Believe me, any loss is a victory and I know that. I don't want to sound like a super sweet 16 debutant bitching at daddy that her new BMW is silver instead of red. But I was hoping to be a little further along after 5 weeks. I had grandiose plans that I could average 5 lbs a week and I'd be at 25 lbs already on my way to 75 lbs lost by Hawaii. I also know that is unrealistic. A boy can dream, can't he. I know I'm doing the right things and getting this locomotive of mine on the right track, but there is still part of me wanting more. Maybe, that will come once I get momentum going. I know this is going to be a long journey. I know that it won't stop in 10 weeks when we are in Hawaii. I know there is no easy way to lose weight. I know that if it was easy, I would take it for granted. I know that I've been here before after dropping 85 lbs and I did take it for granted. I know that I gained all 85 lbs back plus an extra 15 lb for good measure. I know that 2lbs in one week is good. I know that the slower it happens the better the chances of it staying off. But does it always have to be such a fucking struggle? Don't answer that, I know the answer.

Current weight: 315
70 days left

What?!?! Where am I???

I think I might have the equivalent of Workout Alzheimer's. Tonight's workout was a prime example. After the last workout, I was dreading going to the gym tonight for another 45 minute session that felt like 10 hrs. I fired up the iPod and got to going. Surprisingly, tonight was much better than before. I clicked right into the rhythm of the workout and jammed to the tunes pumping into my ears. I shut my eyes and just went. It seriously felt like five minutes had passed and I checked the timer; I was over 32 minutes in! I only had 13 minutes left. Then it's like I was 90 and went to the store and forgot why I was there. The final 13 minutes felt like 45. I couldn't get back into rhythm to save my life. The iPod wasn't even a safe port in the storm. But I hammered through it and finished. I guess I'll take that the whole workout wasn't like the last one, just the final few minutes. I'll consider that a win.

71 days left

16 steps

There is a flight of stairs at work that you have to walk up to get out of the building. We are on the basement level and the main entrance is on the first floor. It's not your run-of-the-mill flight of stairs. Instead of your average tiered stairway, it's 8 steps to the first landing and then 16 steps the rest of the way. I've counted them because they are 16 steps that kick my ass every day. I don't know if my body is conditioned for shorter stairways or what, but every night at about the midway point, it's kicking my ass. 16 fucking steps. By the time I get to the top, I'm winded and my legs are burning like I just did 10 minutes on the Stair Master. 16 steps. Someday, those 16 steps won't be the bane of my existence. I've actually thought about taking the elevator just to avoid those 16 steps. But then I think that is just silly, it's just 16 steps. How hard can 16 steps be? Every night I am reminded of that and I'm chugging along until step 10, then it feels like someone is pulling me backwards. 16 steps. Someday, I will own your fucking ass.

71 days left

Guts, Nuts and my iPod....

Disclaimer: I have a tendency to quit things. I'm all talk and little follow through. I will be the first to admit it. I usually start like gangbusters, then fizzle. I'm surprised that I'm 25+ posts into this project and still going.

Today sucked. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go to the gym. I sure as hell didn't want to get on the elliptical. But I got out of bed, went to the gym and got on the elliptical. The gym where I work out has TV screens on the the equipment so usually I can focus on that to help pass the time. Not today. Nothing held my interest. I was tired and I didn't want to be there. Only about 5 minutes in I was talking myself out of working out. "Maybe I'll just do only 10 minutes on the elliptical and then the rest of the 35 minutes will be a slow stroll on the treadmill..." But that was the old Fatty Boom Batty talking. I'm trying to change in this process, not just lose weight, but change everything. I told myself I wasn't going to step foot off that elliptical until 45 minutes had passed. No quitting. No backing out. No more. It was the longest 45 minutes of my life. I shut my eyes and focused on the music coming from the iPod. Nothing else worked. At one point I opened my eyes and there was a music video of Brittney in a white leotard rubbing her camel toe on the camera lens. That didn't help to pass the time. I just wanna get off this fucking thing and go sit down. Shut my eyes and focus. A while later I open my eyes and there is a blonde right across from me running in tights and a wife beater, didn't matter, she could have been topless and covered in baby oil, I just wanted to get the the fuck off this fucking ellipti-fucking-cal fucking machine. I felt like I was running through molasses. Shut my eyes and focus on the music. Gut it out, stay on that fucker. Focus on the lyrics, the rhythms, don't think about anything else. Focus.

The top 5 songs that got me through the longest 45 minutes of my life:

Elevator - The Black Keys
Stop, Drop and Roll!! - The Foxboro Hottubs
Get Free - The Vines
Fuck the Bullshit - The Dynospectrum
Judgement Night - Biohazard & Onyx

"In the elevator, I pick my floor. And if I wanna battle, I pick my war."

74 days left

The Pitfalls and Perils of Girth, Episode 1

When you are of larger proportions, you have a tendency to sweat more, especially when you work out. Usually, I have a towel at my side to mop up the flop sweat. Last night, however, on my way out the door, I forgot said towel. Not having realized it until I got to the gym, I dug around in my car for an emergency sweat sponge. Under my driver's seat, I found my old beat up Yankees hat. That would have to do. I crammed it on backwards and hoped that would act as a levy for the waves of sweat in my future. About 10 minutes into my 45 minute session on the elliptical, the hat is holding just fine. Every once in a while a trickle of sweat would escape and make a break for my cheek like an upper-bowl concert ticket holder jumping the rail and trying to make the front of the stage before security wrestles him down. A simple flick of the finger would eliminate the streaker. 20 minutes in the dam is holding, but it's quickly reaching a critical point. I am a sweater by trade, I've always said that I can sweat eating ice cream and when I work out it's even worse. One particular launching pad for the sweat drop divers is the end of my nose. Like clockwork, they gather and drop in a slow leaky faucet rhythm. While on the elliptical, I've got everything working in a symphony of legs/arms/fat/hair/sweat all in motion. So when the sweat gathers at the end of my nose, a short blast of air from my nose will take care it. At about 22 minutes in last night, a gave a short blast to disperse a quivering sweat drop and out of the corner of my eye, I see something go shooting from my nose, onto the elliptical just out of my reach. Yes folks, a booger was on my elliptical for everyone to see. I make it a rule not to stop while working out, I'd rather just power through and finish up. However, this little snot rocket was a different animal all together. Now the old Fatty Boom Batty, would have stopped right then and there got a paper towel sprayed the machine down, called it a night and shorten the work out. But this is Fatty Boom Batty 2.0, new and improved. I had over 27 minutes left and I wasn't going to stop, so I rode the booger out. Did anyone else see the shooter from the grassy knoll? Don't care, doesn't matter. I rode the booger out, finished my 45 minutes, dowsed the machine and thoroughly wiped it down and went home with that natural rush that a good 45 minute sweat gives you.

75 days left

Opposite ends of the Spectrum

I was at the gym the other night and it occurred to me the different worlds that can be perceived depending on which side of the headphones you are on.

From the inside of the headphones it's me chugging along to Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name Of..." I am Master of the Elliptical, an awesome dynamo getting stronger with every rotation, a locomotive burning calorie after calorie, a fitness machine maintaining the cardio heart rate, a thoroughbred drenched in sweat, an unstoppable force turning on the "afterburners," a true warrior charging into battle.

From the outside of the headphones, I'm just a fat guy wheezing and "farting."

Either way, I'm moving.

76 days left

De night time is de right time?

I really wish I had the ability to drag my ass out of bed @ 5:30am and then be able to work out. But I just can't do it, I've tried and failed miserably. Then it would be done and I wouldn't have to worry about it. Additionally, the longer I put it off throughout the day, the less likely it will happen-what can I say? I'm a procrastinator.
And the lunch workouts are good, but then I have to shower and I only have an hour for lunch, so that can be a pain in the ass.
So that leaves the night time. I actually like working out at night-I'm a night owl anyway. I just gotta stay motivated and actually go. Not come home and sit down. Not even go home, just go right to the gym from work. Still trying to find the balance.

77 days left

Early weigh in

We are just one day shy of being 11 weeks from Hawaii. I usually do my weigh-in then, but in an effort to be successful, I weighed in today. Down 5.5 lbs! Yeah baby! I know it's only a total of 8 lbs in 4 weeks, BUT it's an average of 2 lbs a week and I'll take it. Tonight we have a church outing that is going to be catered by a local Italian restaurant. Their cheese ravioli would make you leap out of a moving vehicle it's so good. So it was either, not eat tonight and still weigh in tomorrow, or weigh in a day early and still be able to sample a little goodness tonight. It's all about momentum and I can feel it rolling. I can tell that if I keep staying active, hitting the gym, staying moving, my weekly average will go up and my ass will go down.

Current weight: 317
78 days left

Munchies on the Filing Cabinet

Just yesterday, the following email was sent out to our department:

"There is a cheese ball and Bacon dip with crackers out for your enjoyment."

Now I'm all about community and team building at work, but don't they understand the ramifications of a cheese ball, not to mention bacon-fucking-dip, would have on me? The alluring make-your-own-personal-pizza-oven is one thing. To wage war with it's warm, orange glow and fresh ingredients you have to enter it's lair; you have to go looking for a fight. But this battle is on home turf. The cheese ball staged a full-on frontal assault with the bacon dip serving as reinforcements. It's almost the perfect combination, the perfect twin assassins. Who couldn't resist cheese rolled into a ball and covered with nuts? Don't get me started on bacon dip. Seriously? Bacon dip? That would be like having a dip made out of money. Bacon is money, baby...MONEY. Seriously, you could wrap bacon around a cat turd rolled in hair and I'd probably eat it. The only thing that could possibly outshine the bacon would be chocolate ganache. You could put chocolate ganache on a homeless guy's foot and I would eat it, the whole foot...I'm not kidding. Even though the tandem of cheese ball and bacon dip brought the pain, they didn't take this hill. I resisted the onslaught and am proud to say that at the end of the day the Fatty Boom Batty flag was still flying at the top.

These are the daily battles in this office. That file cabinet is like a caged octagon for food battles. Today it's left over cookies from this morning's training session. If you look at the top of Fatty Boom Batty Hill, you'll see the chocolate chip flag waving...it's not about the battles it's about the war.

78 days left

Ain't no easy way....

It would have been so easy to stay in bed this morning. I wanted to so bad. But this isn't an easy path to be on. Taking the easy way is what got me to where I am. Another 45 minutes this morning, another 3 miles. The only easy thing I'm focusing on is how easy it will be to spend 7+hrs in an airplane. How easy it will be to fasten my seat belt on the plane. That's the only easy thing I need right now. Everything else has to be a struggle to make it all worth it.

81 days left

Bring It

haven't done much of anything
the last two days
for the next workout
had to push myself
flying solo tonight
couldn't sit at home
wanted to
went to the gym anyway
one hour
4.45 miles
900 calories
getting up tomorrow
to go do it all again
bring it

82 days left

Seeing the forest from the trees without running into a tree....

There are pros and cons to having a 20+ minute drive into work every day. It gave me time to reflect and calm down about the weigh-in this morning. Up 2lbs. And what is even more frustrating was that when I got on the scale and saw the number, I thought to myself, "well it's only two pounds." Seriously, what the fuck?! Am I not taking this seriously? I feel like I'm putting in the work-outs, why else am on on the treadmill every day, fighting through the shin splints. It's not fun. Trust me there are other things I would rather be doing, but I know I have to do it. Mornings like this morning just frustrate the shit out of me. As I drove into work I processed and thought about the big picture. It's not an overnight change and I know that and I also know that I'm not going to lose 10lbs every week. I need to focus on staying on course. But it's easy to get pissed and quit. I left the house this morning and didn't bring my workout stuff. The easy road is so appealing to me. If you don't try you can't fail. If you don't fail you don't get frustrated or hurt. There is a Langhorne Slim lyric that I just love:

"There's no road to follow, only stone left unturned. You must play with fire in order to get burned..."

What I take from that is you've got to put yourself out there, lay it on the line. Don't take the easy road. So I hit a pothole. Change the fucking blown tire and get back on the interstate.

Also, the long drive into work also allowed me to talk myself into picking up "McDowell's" for breakfast. Hey, I'm not perfect.

Current weight: 320.5
84 days left

Too much of a good thing?

I love peanut butter. Like seriously get-up-on-the-counter-and-make-sweet-sweet-love-to-it love peanut butter. Almost every morning I have peanut butter on something for breakfast. Whether it's a bagel or toast or waffles, it will have peanut butter on it. Yesterday while I was on the treadmill, I started sweating once the workout started. I wiped my face down with my sweat towel (freshly washed) and I smelled the familiar smell-peanut butter. Had I eaten so much peanut butter that it was now coming out of my pores, like garlic? Or maybe there was some peanut butter from breakfast still in my moustache or beard? Which would really suck since I was working out at 6pm. So I would have had to walk around the whole day with peanut butter up in my grill. But I didn't smell it until I started working out and sweating. One of the many things that run through my head as I'm working out, "why in the hell do I smell peanut butter?"

85 days left

A welcome distraction...

Lot of shit going on today in my head; so many "what-ifs" that I was getting antsy. Felt good to get on the treadmill after work today to walk off some of the anxiousness. Tomorrow should be better, we'll know what direction we are going or if we even want to go. Felt good to get on the treadmill, blast the eyepod and sweat a little bit. Didn't think about the "what-ifs" but focused on just putting one foot in front of the other and how many calories I was burning. For once the workout was a welcome distraction instead of something I just try and make it through.

86 days left

Feelin' Good...

I had my hands in the river my feet back up on the banks, looked up to Lord above and said, "Hey man thanks, sometimes I feel so good I gotta scream." She said, "Fatty Boom Batty baby, I know exactly what you mean..."

That (slightly edited) is a lyric I heard while at the gym this weekend. Yes, I got my ass up Saturday morning and went to the gym and it felt good! I split my time between the treadmill and the elliptical. Got a great sweat going and it felt good the whole time I was there. I can feel the momentum building....can you?

87 days left

Flippin' the switch....

I'd like to think that the switch has been ceremoniously flipped. I can feel the drive and desire creeping back in that hasn't been here in a while. That was probably the most frustrating thing....I've been here before and I was successful. About 7 years ago I lost about 85 lbs, I got all the way down to 225. Then I just stopped and slowly but surely I gained all the weight back. Sure it took me 7 years to gain 100 lbs, but I was there...so close to losing 100 lbs and I let go of the rope and slide back down the mountain. So I think the last couple of months I had a "I've been there, done that" mentality so I thought it would come easy like it did before. I lost 85lbs in about 7 months, I was in the zone. But I was like a guy in a dark room looking for the light switch, I was just floundering, not doing anything. I knew that Hawaii was coming, but I wasn't motivated to do anything about it. Hence the purpose of this blog, accountability. I was talking to my bestie today and he said that I haven't written in two days, and with that he stoked the fire. This little experiment isn't just about me losing weight, it's about the journey; all the triumphs and stumbles. No bullshit, hopefully just results. So I'm writing again today. Yesterday I busted my ass and felt the brunt of it last night. I was beat. So it's time to test myself. It was a good week, great workouts so far and a dip down at the scale. So I'm taking today off to recoup a little bit and then I will get up tomorrow morning and hit the gym. I haven't gotten up the last couple of weeks, so lets see what happens.

89 days left

Monkey - 1 Football - 1

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years! This was a pretty good week! I'll take whatever I can get at this point. 13 weeks from today until the Hawaii trip so that means weigh-in number two. I'm happy to report that I'm officially down 7.7lbs! Yeah buddy! I did do the weigh-in a little different this week. I did it in the morning right after my shower as opposed to the middle of the day after my work-out, after lunch. I'll just continue to do the morning weigh-ins from here on out. But I'm taking this one as a victory! May not be winning the war, at least I got this battle. I feel the momentum building....13 weeks.

Current weight 318.5 lbs
91 days left

Man Boobs

I got 'em and I don't want 'em. I'd say I'm dealing with a small C cup. I know people that have paid big money to have C cups, but I don't want 'em. Yet another reason for the journey....man boobs, man....fucking man boobs....

92 days left

The road less traveled

OK- so I didn't do that good of a job getting two posts done in one day, but I DID complete two workouts yesterday. I'm not going to lie. As I was packing up getting ready to leave work and head to the gym last night, I was struggling with going. It was almost 6:00pm and already dark out. This little voice in the back of my head was saying, "c'mon, you already worked out once today....how much will it help to go lift weights...you'll be sore in the morning and then you'll have trouble walking, you know you hate that..." I was tempted, shit, I almost did it. My walk to the parking lot takes my right past the entrance to the building on our campus that houses one of the three gyms available to us at work. I was coming up on that building, having serious second thoughts about going when who should walk out but my boss' boss' boss. THE Head Honcho. The same one that saw me in the cafeteria last week and said, "Hey big guy! How are you?" Big Guy? I fucking hate that (that is a whole other post in itself). She saw me and stopped and we chatted that awkward work chat that I'm terrible at. She thanked me for working on a special project that popped up, yada yada. If I wanted to skip the second workout of the day, I would have had to walk the rest of the way out to the parking lot with her, small-talking the whole time. Needless to say, I was in the gym lifting weights a few minutes later. I'll take that as a sign that I was supposed to hit the weights, so I did. Then when I got to rehearsal, we had to set up the tables and chairs for the read through and put all the extra chairs away, so at the beginning of the read through, I was flop sweating yet again. I got home and I was exhausted. But I actually feel good today. Not a lot of soreness. That means I didn't push it hard enough lifting weights last night or the walking at lunch has sort of prepared my body for lifting. I think it's the first option. Either way, it's still doing something, not going home and sitting on the couch.

92 days left

Two-a-days

I didn't really do a post yesterday, so I'll have to fit two in today. Which is fitting, since I think I'm going to try and start two-a-day workouts. I'll continue to walk at lunch and then lift weights after work until I have to be at play rehearsal at 7pm. I'll literally have 2.5hrs to kill until rehearsal starts and it's not worth me driving all the way home that back down to rehearsal, so I'll stay downtown and make the most out of my time.

Last night was like a horse kicked me in the head. I was passed out snoring on the couch by 10pm. I helped my parents install a wood floor in their new house. Needless to say this body isn't built to be crawling around on my hands and knees. So I think I literally passed out last night. Today I feel pretty good. The work out over lunch went really well. Hit the treadmill for 45 minutes, did just over 2miles and burn just under 800 calories. I'm motivated, so I'm getting ready to head back to the gym at work for round two. I'll let you know how it goes.

93 days left

#10

The weekends are always rough on me. I think that I look forward to working out during the week due to it getting me away from my desk for a while. Although on Friday, work consumed everything that day like a black hole and I didn't get away like I wanted to. Only two work-outs this week. Not good. Tonight I had to struggle putting socks on when my jeans were already on. Not good. I'm stoked about gaining the hour of sleep tonight with daylight savings. I'm tired and not motivated and I need to be the exact opposite. I need to focus on the goal and keep kicking myself in the ass. But I'm sure you're tired of hearing me bitch, I know I am. Happy 10th post Fatty Boom Batty.

95 days left